A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
This dude got his own movie?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[eats all your cotton candy]
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco