A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
the council will decide your fate
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.