@Cpin42: A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"
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@PhuktUpScott: My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@AndrewNadeau0: WRITER: It's a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy. PRODUCER: That's horrific! W: What if it was 101 puppies? P:…Go on
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like an adventure ME: Okay [later on phone] ME: Are you having fun? DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
@QwertyJones3: Surgeon: I'm unable to perform this surgery. I've only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.