If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.