a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here鈥檚 the thing uh now鈥檚 not a good time
S O O N
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I just found out that my mechanic doesn鈥檛 drive.
(understanding 0% of what I鈥檓 being told as i鈥檓 getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It鈥檚 by me, if you see it.