[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Tell me you get it…🤣
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Well, that should do it
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.