@AndyAsAdjective: A lot of people ask me "why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"
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@notalogin: Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.
@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@ImABaconDonut: Me: Thanks for the sex. Me: You're welcome. Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room. Me: That'd be nice.