A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“I’m helping” 😅
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.