@AndyAsAdjective: A lot of people ask me "why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"
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@TheMichaelRock: My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.
@TitansHomer: My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
@vvolfsz: The nominees are Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio And the winner is *opens envelope* mad max fury road
@SchuylerPryor: Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.