@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
@jenlaw_11: Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
@PrettiestPickle: Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
@noog: My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.