A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie