@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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@cdncyn: I got thrown out of the zoo today.... apparently you're not allowed to feed the ducks..... to the alligators........
@SirEviscerate: How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds: Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess