A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
You Might Also Like
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”