A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
mariah carrie
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!