A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”