A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Is this a threat?