A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels