A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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