A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”