A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me