Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches