a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Sorry not sorry.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
peep davidson
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”