If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.