Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Scream sneezers need love too.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem