A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
How actors in movies eat their food
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.