A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
umm…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?