A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security