road rage
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement