@crunchenhancer: A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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@jwoodham: Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister. I grounded them both because I'm not raising any communists.
@murrman5: [spending entire date hiding the fact I'm really a beaver] "ow" what's wrong? "I got a splinter" may I see? "I guess so" delicious "pardon?"
@StatusInBeirut: Dear media: There's nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.