A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.