Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Noted.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Morning my dudes.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.