As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man