A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*seductively eats two tums*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
dude it’s called proctologist
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
#parenting
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.