A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You Might Also Like
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I have so many questions.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.