A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I just ran a .003048K