A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
that colleague who touches your screen
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes