A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.