A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You Might Also Like
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.