@PaulyPeligroso: A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@FilthyRichmond: I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.
@Sean_Burgundy_: [1st date] Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma'am ? Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
@InstaTrent: A vegan girl told me that, "If you eat beef, you're basically a velociraptor." In what world is that not totally awesome.