@PaulyPeligroso: A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
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@smilely_gal: If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
@DryDickRando: Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.
@iamspacegirl: FISHING TRIP Joseph *casting his line*: Son, your mother thinks it's time I tell you- You're agodpted. Jesus *runs across the lake crying*