@PaulyPeligroso: A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.
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@jedfudally: childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is
@TheRobCee: [labels account "18+"] [tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
@FattMernandez: When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I'm constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.
@JasonCarney31: *sets up booth, hangs up sign "$5 Mustache Rides!" *nobody shows up. I knew I shouldn't have named the damn pony 'mustache'