A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”