A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this