how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
United Steaks of America
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?