[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Breaking news:
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I hate everything
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”