I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.