a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA