A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Uh oh…
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.