A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again