A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.