@RainbowJohnJ: A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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@theshantilly: Coworker: You look angry. Me: I'm not. CW: Really angry. Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
@MondayPajamas: Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
@hell_homer: Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. "I just noticed," he whispered, "your name sounds like Dildo" #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@freypalm: [comedy club] Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*