A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
X-tra spooky blend
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
anyone else like Italian cereal
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”