A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
You Might Also Like
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Thursday
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone