A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving