Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.