This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
#winning
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face