A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it