Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time