@IronballsMcGinT: A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
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@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.
@Book_Krazy: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? "No" Cop: *points* Your buck naked [turns to deer in passenger seat] "Jesus Frank, put your fur back on"
@junejuly12: When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard My second thought is virgin wizard
@donni: CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25 DUCK: Can you put it on my bill? CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly