A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“our sushi is very fresh”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
sounds kinky. i’m in.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”